Creative Threats

Creative Threats - Quotes from the "In Death" Series

Since Eve Dallas is help me I’m going crazy essentially a New York cop, she's not opposed to pushing people around a bit when it's necessary. Sometimes those conflicts result in physical violence, but more often than not, they present themselves in the form of some very creative threats. Roarke, Peabody and other characters know that Eve's threats are often just bluster, and they've begun to also come up with some very creative threats when a situation calls for it.

This page lists some of the more creative threats that Eve has issued to suspects or other characters in the books. It also lists creative threats Roarke, Peabody, or other characters have uttered.

Eve's Creative Threats

Conspiracy in Death

Eve outside the Canal Street Clinic regarding her vehicle:

And if I come back and see that anybody’s messed with it, this cop-bitch is going to kick your balls into your throat, then tie them around your neck and choke you with them.

Eve to a chemi-head:

Back off, creep, or I'll pop your eyes out of your head and make you eat them.

Witness in Death

Eve to maintenance worker Tomjohn Lewis in her office at Central:

You got candy breath, I'm going to pull out your tongue and strangle you with it.

Eve to Tomjohn Lewis in her office at Central:

Look maintenance boy, if you're toying with me, I'll bite your ears off and make them into stew.

Judgment in Death

Eve to Donald Webster about Galahad:

One word from me, and he'll claw your eyes out and eat your tongue.

Betrayal in Death

Eve to James Jacoby

Keep your hand off me. You don't, I'll snap it off at the wrist and make you eat it.

Eve to Roarke about the Candy Thief:

I'm going to catch them sooner or later and peel the skin off their face. Slowly.

Seduction in Death

Eve to Roarke:

And when you finally realize you're dead, and drop to the ground - ... and you're laying there, I'm going to step over your cold, lifeless body, open the doors of that department store you call a closet, and I torch it.

Eve to Peabody and McNab about the chocolate bar taped to the back of her passenger seat:

First one who touches it gets their fingers ripped off and stuffed up their nose.

Eve to Roarke:

The first chance, the very first chance I get, I'm tying your dick into a knot

Eve to Matthew Renfrew:

Get out of my face, and get out of it now, or I'll take that badge you don't deserve and make you eat it.

Reunion in Death

Eve to Summerset about pawing through her dresser drawers:

Stay out of my drawers, you pervert, or I'll bite your fingers off at the knuckles.

Eve to Peabody after Peabody was checking Eve's eyesight and held up two fingers:

The two I'm going to rip off and stuff in your ears

Eve to Italian cop:

You screw up this apprehension and I'm frying your balls for breakfast.

Purity in Death

Eve to Jamie Lingstrom:

So instead of yanking your ears over your head and tying them in a knot, I'm going to overlook that comment. Once.

Portrait in Death

Eve to parking port operator:

I will give you more pain than you can imagine. Your brains will leak out of your ears, and your bowels out of your ass. I will cause that to happen without leaving a mark, and every cop here will swear you died of natural causes.

Imitation in Death

Eve to Peabody about the music playing in the background at Carmichael Smith's place:

If that stinking "Love Lights the World" sticks in my head, I'm coming back here and beating him with a club.

Eve to an unruly prisoner:

If you don't shut up, if you don't cease resisting immediately, I will pull your tongue out of your mouth, drag it around your neck, and strangle you with it.

Eve to Officer Cullin right after quote to unruly prisoner:

Lose him again, and I'll use his tongue to strangle you.

Eve to Peabody:

All I get are insults. Mrs. Roarke, sweet, mellowing. We'll see how mellow I am when I stuff your head up your ass.

Eve to chemi-head in New L.A.:

If I have to chase you, it's going to piss me off. Then I'll probably slip so that my foot ends up planted in your balls.

Remember When

Eve to loiterers around Tina Cobb's place about her car:

What you might not be able to guess is that if anybody messes with it, I'll hunt you down and pop your eyes out with my thumbs.

Eve to Peabody and McNab about them talking gooey talk:

There will be no gooey talk in this vehicle. There will be no gooey talk within ten yards of my person. This is my official ban on gooey talk, and violators will be beaten unconscious with a lead pipe.

Eve to the lab techs at one time or another explaining why they avoided her:

Besides, they should know it was physically impossible for her to put a man's internal organs on display by turning him inside out.

Divided in Death

Eve to Roarke if she ever caught him cheating on her:

Call your name all right: How are things in hell, you dickless bastard? and I'd laugh and laugh. That's how I'd call your name. Then I'd put all your precious shoes in the recycler, take your fancy suits and burn them in a celebrational fire, and kick Summerset out of "my" house on his bony ass. After which I'd have a party where we'd drink all your expensive wine and whiskey. And after "that" I'd hire two, no three, of the top LCs in the business to come over and pleasure me.

Eve to Peabody:

Keep it up, and the next short-range missile's going straight up your ass.

Visions in Death

Eve to Peabody about her computer being sabotaged:

If I knew who they were, I'd hunt them down and peel the skin off their bones while they begged for mercy.

Survivor in Death

Eve to a jet-board messenger who almost sideswiped her car:

Police property, asshole. If I had time I'd hunt you down and use that board to beat your balls black.

Eve to Roarke about her being thankful that Summerset is around:

Now here's something I never thought would come out of my mouth - and if you ever repeat it, I'll twist your tongue into a square knot, but thank God Summerset's around.

Eve to McNab:

Put your hands, or your big goofy mouth on my partner in this room, McNab, I'll rip those stupid hoops out of your ears so bloody strips of lobe fly around the room.

Eve to Crime Scene Unit:

I want this scene secured so tight a fucking flea couldn't squeeze under a doorway. Any screwups, I'll be eating asses for breakfast.

Origin in Death

Eve to Peabody about Peabody arranging for Mavis and Trina to go to Dallas' place:

Oh, Oh. You bitch. I'll kill you. Rip out your internal organs with my bare hands then strangle you with your own large intestine.

Eve to Deputy Max Gaitor about him reaching for his weapon:

You reach for that weapon, Deputy, and you won't have use of your hand for a week. But you won't need it as I'll have twisted your undersized dick into a pretzel so even the thought of jerking off will cause you unspeakable pain.

Eve to Peabody:

I'll be chuckling when I tie your tongue into a knot later.

Memory in Death

Eve to Peabody:

Let me go or I swear I'll kick your ass so hard that extra five pounds you're whining about will end up in Trenton. (Peabody's response was incoherent and muffled against Eve's sweater.) Get snot on my coat and I'll strangle you with that scarf after I kick your ass.

Eve to "Garland Guy":

You had a plan, the plan was approved. Stick with the plan and don't bother me, or I'll personally stuff all that shiny stuff up your butt.

Haunted in Death

Eve to Peabody about a video being made about the Bobbie Bray case:

You even breathe that thought, I'll choke you until your eyes pop right out of their sockets, then plop into your open, gasping mouth where you'll swallow them whole. And choke to death on your own eyeballs.

Born in Death

Eve to Roarke if he doesn't come right back after parking the vehicle:

Just remember, if you're not, I'll hunt you down, disarticulate all your limbs, then feed them to small, ugly dogs.

Innocent in Death

Eve to Summerset:

If you say a word to me, just one fucking word, I'll yank that stick out of your ass and beat you bloody with it.

Eve to Summerset:

My vehicle better be where I left it or I'm getting it myself, dragging you out, and running you over with it.

Creation in Death

Eve to Peabody about Peabody complaining about her hair:

Keep it up, and I'll tie you down and shave you bald.

Eve to Ryan Feeney:

You want a round, you got one. When this case is closed. And if you're still carrying that stick up your ass, I'll yank it out and knock you cold with it.

Strangers in Death

Eve to Peabody about Peabody rolling her eyes behind Eve's back:

And if you roll your eyes behind me again, I'm going to poke them out with a stick.

Eve to Peabody about Peabody being sick:

You boot on my desk, I'll throw your gagging body out my window.

Eve to Peabody after Peabody calls Eve and says "Dallas, guess who's here?":

Guess how long it's going to take me to tie your tongue into a square knot.

Eve to Peabody after Peabody explains her "Roarke Fund":

Well, he's a superior lay, so you'd have that before I peeled the skin off your still quivering body, roasted it on an open fire, then force-fed it to you.

Eve to Roarke after he says that Cassie Gordon had designs on him:

I'll put a design on you that won't come off in the shower.

Eve to Peabody:

But keep jabbering, Peabody, and I'll give you a completely free piercing back at Central.

Salvation in Death

Eve to Peabody:

Do you really want to experience the thrill of having my boot so far up your ass it bruises your tonsils?

Missing in Death

Eve to Peabody about Peabody's sex life with McNab:

Do not go there. Do not. I swear by all that's holy, I'll chuck you overboard, then order the turbo to run over you while you sputter in the water.

Indulgence in Death

Eve to Peabody about borrowing her "face gunk":

If you say a word, if you breathe a syllable, I'll rip your tongue out with my bare hands and feed it to the first rabid dog I find.

Brotherhood in Death

Eve and Peabody about forgiving an affair:

Peabody: Hypothetically if, say, Roarke and I lost our minds for one wild night and had hot, crazed sex involving many multiple orgasms, then came to our senses and begged your forgiveness. Owned it, you know? Could you forgive us?
Eve: Well, it would be hard. It would be work, but marriage is work. So's partnership. I think I could. It would take time and that work, but I think I could forgive both of you. After I boiled you in big vats to make it easier to peel the skin, very slowly and carefully, off your bones while I danced to the music of your agonized screams. Then I made you watch while I fashioned people suits out of your skins for a couple of sparring droids I would then beat into rubble that I'd bury along with your quivering, skinless bodies in unmarked graves. After that, I think I could forgive you.

Dark in Death

Eve and Roarke on what the wife should have done in Dark Falls:

Eve: If she wants to punish somebody, she ought to tie a damn bow on the husband's dick before she lops it off.
Roarke: Or perhaps have a firm and reasoned discussion with him on why he solicits those barely legal LCs.
Eve: 'Reasoned discussion' my ass. Next time after he gets home late -- telling her he had to work -- she waits until he's asleep, and whacks it off. Think you can go out and stick that in some teenage working girl, then try to stick it in me? Think again, asshole. Then maybe while he's still screaming, she grinds up his cheating, dismembered member in that kitchen thing she likes so much, cooks it up in a pie, and force-feeds him his own cock. [She pointed at him with her fork.] Let that be a lesson to you, pal, or a dire warning.
Roarke: I require neither, and you're putting me off my dinner.

Connections in Death

Eve to Roarke on why it didn't matter that she didn't read their prenup before signing it:

Eve: If you fucked me over, I'm a cop. I know how to make you pay without letting it show. Like, the on where I tranq your wine, dress you in a diaper and pasties, get you in your office, and transmit the image globally.
Roarke: You've given this some thought.
Eve: Just in my free time. Bottom line? (Eldena Vinn) wasn't wrong to trust a man she loves -- because it has to be love. He's not rich or good-looking or powerful. She just loves the wrong man. I don't.
Roarke: Well now.
Eve: There's the one where I coat the inside of all your boxers with a biological that causes your works to develop festering balls.
Roarke: Christ Jesus, you obviously have far too much free time.
Eve: I've got a whole list. For him, too [shooting a finger at Summerset]. For him I have the stick up his ass surgically removed, and without it, his whole body collapses into a puddle of ghoul. You'll be too busy with festering boils to have him reanimated.
Roarke: (to Summerset) Don't ask.

Vendetta in Death

Eve and Roarke about unfaithfulness:

Eve: I need to get a sense of her (Geena McEnroy), and the tutor. From Peabody’s take the tutor’s going to be looking out for her as much as the kids. She’s been with the family for years. She comes off clean, but unless they’re both idiots, they had to know, at a minimum, Nigel McEnroy cheated routinely.
Roarke: Some spouses turn a blind eye for any number of reasons.
Eve: Some do. Me, I’d’ve strapped him naked to the bed, tied his dick in a knot after I’d slathered it with honey for the fire ants I’d have in a jar, which I’d dump out right on his knotted dick. But that’s just me.
Roarke: It is very much you.
Eve: Then I’d fly off to wherever it is they do the tango, and do that.
Roarke: Argentina comes to mind.
Eve: Okay, there. Blind eyes are for wimps, idiots, or don’t-give-a-damn-anyways.
Roarke: None of which you are.
Eve: You, either.
Roarke: Agreed. I might take a page from your book on whomever my adored wife might cheat with. Then I’d buy up every coffee bean in the known universe, and burn them, as well as the plants they grow on.
Eve: That’s sick. Sick and inhumane.
Roarke: Ah well, that’s just me.
Eve: Maybe it’s a weird thing to say after that, but I’m glad we’re us.

Eve and Peabody about unfaithfulness, specifically Thaddeus Pettigrew's after notifying Darla Pettigrew of his murder:

Peabody: Man, this hit her hard.
Eve: You think? You're married for a chunk of your life to a guy who decides to ditch you for a younger skirt, and takes the bulk of the money from a company you co-own -- and maybe, like the divorce, didn't want to sell. Are you going to still have stars in your eyes over him?
Peabody: Well, probably not. But some people do hang on to what was. And maybe hold on to hope they can get it back. Like if Roarke pulled something stupid like that, you wouldn't be able to just turn off how you feel about him.
Eve: Maybe not. But I'd have already peeled the skin from his body, fried it up, and fed it to the wolves.
Peabody: Huh.

Golden in Death

Eve and Peabody about Eve's new magic topper:

Peabody: It's so -- just so much so. Ooooh, and the suit. The boots! Holy crap, it's all--
She broke off when Eve whipped her head around.
Peabody: Whew, nobody dressed like you are should be able to burn the flesh off somebody's bones with that look. That's the point!
Eve: Shut up about it or I'll crush your still smoking bones with my boot.

Abandoned in Death

Eve to Dick Berenski when he complained about her going to techs behind his back.

If you sit on that report, on any of the reports that pertain to this investigation, I'll pop out your eyes with my thumbs and make you eat them like gumballs.

Encore in Death

Eve and Roarke about Brant Fitzhugh breaking it off with Vera Harrow:

Eve: What I don't get? Ten years ago, the guy says, 'Hey, it's been swell, but I'm going to start banging somebody else.' Or worse -- 'I'm in love with somebody else.' But she doesn't stab his ass with a steak knife or bash his brains in with a doorstop in the heat of the moment. Or, alternatively, do either to Lane. Instead, they keep working together until the project that brought Lane into the mix is finished.
Roarke: That's entertainment.
Eve: Is it? You'd think she'd at least have punched him in his perfect face. I'd sure as hell put some bruises on you before I injected you with a paralytic, shaved your head, and tied your dick in a knot.
Roarke: How? That particular appendage doesn't lend itself to knots.
Eve: I'd find a way. But instead of finding a way, she waits a freaking decade for payback? I just can't make it play.

Random in Death

Eve after Peabody mentioned how cute she thinks Jamie and Quilla are together:

Eve: Put that in my head, I'll kill you in your sleep.
Peabody: I don't sleep at Central.
Eve: I'll break into your apartment.
Peabody: McNab's right there with me.
Eve: I'm a cop, for Christ's sake. I'll kill you, quick and quiet, then plant evidence that implicates McNab. You'll be dead, he'll be in a cage for life.
Uniform in elevator with them: It could work.
Eve: Oh, it'll work. And after I allow a single tear to slide poignantly down my cheek at her memorial, I'll go home and drink an entire bottle of celebrational wine and never, ever think about what a pair of teenagers are doing with and to each other.
Peabody: I just said 'cute.'
Eve: (Eve swiped a finger across her throat) Quick and quiet.
Uniform in elevator with them: Use a knife out of their kitchen.
Eve: Of course. Who's cute now?
Peabody: Nobody. Absolutely nobody will ever be cute again. Just FYI, if I die of a slit throat in bed, there's a whole elevator full of cops who'd point at you.
Eve: Which is why I'd wait until you got up, then bash you over the head with your fancy French cocotte.
Peabody: It's cast iron. That would do it. I'm still buying it.
Eve: Your funeral.

Roarke's Creative Threats

Conspiracy in Death

Roarke to chemi-head/thug:

If I pop your eyes out, I get to eat them.

Judgment in Death

Roarke to Max Ricker's guard:

Do that again, and I'll rip it off at the knuckle and feed it to you.

Roarke to Max Ricker:

Touch her, put your hand on what's mine again, and I'll follow you to hell and peel the skin from your bones. I'll feed you your own eyes.

Visions in Death

Roarke to Eve after she asked him to contact the hospital and charm some information on Peabody's condition out of somebody because all she does is make people mad:

People tend to get cross when someone threatens to pull their brains out of their nostrils.

Memory in Death

Roarke to Eve about whoever would upset her so:

If I have the opportunity, I'll take whoever put that look on your face, my darling Eve, and peel the skin from their bones. One thin layer at a time.

Roarke to Trudy Lombard:

I'm compensating you,...by not getting up, coming over there, and twisting your head off your neck with my bare hands.

Payback in Death

Roarke to Eve about Detective Joe Lansing after seeing the damage he inflicted on Eve’s tit:

Bleeding poxy bastard. I wouldn’t have put bruises on him over this. I’d have twisted off his cock at the fecking root.”

Peabody's Creative Threats

Loyalty in Death

Peabody to McNab:

I'll walk any way I want, and you just keep your hands off me, you moron, or I'll rip your lungs out and use them for bagpipes.

Seduction in Death

Peabody about Bryna Bankhead's murderer:

Sick bastard creep ought to have his balls scooped off with a rusty spoon.

Peabody about McNab:

I hope his balls shrivel up like overbaked prunes then fall off in useless husks.

Portrait in Death

Peabody about Eve to two badasses:

And rather than slap someone's face for relieving his bladder on your official tires, you are more likely to twist off said reliever's balls, then use them to strangle them.

Divided in Death

Yeah, looks like you've got a pair each [eyes]...If you want to keep them in your skulls, you'll keep them on that scooter. Because if I come back out and it isn't where I left it, in the condition I left it, my associate and I are going to hunt you down like sick dogs. While he's shoving that pipe up your ass, I'm going to pop your fellow asshole's eyes out. With my thumbs.

Golden in Death

Peabody to Dr. Lotte Grange after she insulted her Free-Ager upbringing:

I'm not one of your students or underlings, I'm a New York City police detective, and a New York City cop knows a lying sack when she sees one. So don't think you're going to sit there and insult my family, my vocation, or my lieutenant. You aren't worthy to wipe the boots she'll kick your ass with.

Forgotten in Death

Peabody about what would happen if McNab started eyeballing twenty-year-olds when they hit fifty:

I'll spoon out his eyeballs and keep them in a glass box on the mantel. That'll stop that shit.

Other Character's Creative Threats

Witness in Death

Nadine Furst talking to Eve and Roarke about Richard Draco after learning Draco had video taped her sexual encounter with him:

I'd like to take his puny dick in my hands and twist it until it popped.

Seduction in Death

Feeney talking to Eve about the judge who released Lucias Dunwood:

Judge oughta be stripped down, dragged through the streets, with a big sign that says BRAIN-DEAD FUCKFACE tied to his dick.

Portrait in Death

Dirk Hastings to Eve:

Get out, or I'll twist your arms off your shoulders and beat you to bloody death with them.

Dirk Hastings to Eve:

I like to think of ways to kill people who irritate me. Throwing them off high buildings, boiling them in oil, locking them in a dark room with live snakes, that kind of thing.

Origin in Death

Crack to two mopes:

Next time you try to stiff one of my em-ploy-ees, I'm gonna twist your cocks clean off before you get a chance to use 'em.

Born in Death

Mavis to Leonardo:

But if you tell me how to breathe one more time, I'll yank your tongue out of your mouth and strangle you with it.

Shadows in Death

Feeney and Whitney:

Feeney: “If anything happens to you, your wife is going to kill me until I’m dead, then kill me again.”
Whitney: “Only after she kicks my lifeless body into a boneless husk.”
Feeney: “I'll have to take satisfaction in that.”

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