Creative Threats - Quotes from the "In Death" SeriesEdit
Since Eve Dallas is essentially a New York Cop, she's not opposed to pushing people around a bit when it's necessary. Sometimes those conflicts result in physical violence, but more often than not, they present themselves in the form of some very creative threats. Roarke, Peabody and other characters know that Eve's threats are often just bluster, and they've begun to also come up with some very creative threats when a situation calls for it.
This page lists some of the more creative threats that Eve has issued to suspects or other characters in the books. It also lists any creative threats Roarke, Peabody, or other characters have also uttered.
Eve's Creative ThreatsEdit
Eve: And if I come back and see that anybody’s messed with it (her vehicle), this cop-bitch is going to kick your balls into your throat, then tie them around your neck and choke you with them
Eve: Back off, creep, or I'll pop your eyes out of your head and make you eat them.
Keep your hand off me. You don't, I'll snap it off at the wrist and make you eat it.
I'm going to catch them sooner or later and peel the skin off their face. Slowly.
Just remember, if you're not, I'll hunt you down, disarticulate all your limbs, then feed them to small, ugly dogs.
Keep it up, and I'll tie you down and shave you bald.
You wanta round, you got one. When this case is closed. And if you're still carrying that stick up your ass, I'll yank it out and knock you cold with it.
Call your name all right: How are things in hell, you dickless bastard? and I'd laugh and laugh. That's how I'd call your name. Then I'd put all your precious shoes in the recycler, take your fancy suits and burn them in a celebrational fire, and kick Summerset out of "my" house on his bony ass. After which I'd have a party where we'd drink all your expensive wine and whiskey. And after "that" I'd hire two, no three, of the top LCs in the business to come over and pleasure me.
Keep it up, and the next short-range missile's going straight up your ass.
You even breathe that thought, I'll choke you until your eyes pop right out of their sockets, then plot into your open, gasping mouth where you'll swallow them whole. And choke to death on your own eyeballs.
If that stinking "Love Lights the World" sticks in my head, I'm coming back here and beating him with a club.
Eve to an unruly prisoner:
If you don't shut up, if you don't cease resisting immediately, I will pull your tongue out of your mouth, drag it around your neck, and strangle you with it.
Lose him again, and I'll use his tongue to strangle you.
All I get are insults. Mrs. Roarke, sweet, mellowing. We'll see how mellow I am when I stuff your head up your ass.
Eve to chemi-head in New L.A.:
If I have to chase yiou, it's going to piss me off. Then I'll probably slip so that my foot ends up planted in your balls.
If you say a word to me, just one fucking word, I'll yank that stick out of your ass and beat you bloody with it.
My vehicle better be where I left it or I'm getting it myself, dragging you out, and running you over with it.
One word from me, and he'll claw your eyes out and eat your tongue.
Let me go or I swear I'll kick your ass so hard that extra five pounds you're whining about will end up in Trenton. (Peabody's response was incoherent and muffled against Eve's sweater.) Get snot on my coat and I'll strangle you with that scarf after I kick your ass.
Eve to "Garland Guy":
You had a plan, the plan was approved. Stick with the plan and don't bother me, or I'll personally stuff all that shiny stuff up your butt.
[Eve Dallas|Eve]] to loiterers around Tina Cobb's place about her car:
What you might not be able to guess is that if anybody messes with it, I'll hunt you down and pop your eyes out with my thumbs.
There will be no gooey talk in this vehicle. There will be no gooey talk within ten yards of my person. This is my official ban on gooey talk, and violators will be beaten unconscieous with a lead pipe.
Eve to the lab techs at one time or another explaining why they avoided her:
Besides, they should know it was physically impossible for her to put a man's internal organs on display by turning him inside out.
Oh, Oh. You bitch. I'll kill you. Rip out your internal organs with my bare hands then strangle you with your own large intestine.
You reach for that weapon, Deputy, and you won't have use of your hand for a week. But you won't need it as I'll have twisted your undersized dick into a pretzel so even the thought of jerking off will cause you unspeakable pain.
I'll be chuckling when I tie your tongue into a knot later.
Eve to parking port operator:
I will give you more pain than you can imagine. Your brains will leak out of your ears, and your bowels out of your ass. I will cause that to happen without leaving a mark, and every cop here will swear you died of natural causes.
So instead of yanking your ears over your head and tying them in a knot, I'm going to overlook that comment. Once.
Stay out of my drawers, you pervert, or I'll bite your fingers off at the knuckles.
The two I'm going to rip off and stuff in your ears
Eve to Italian cop:
You screw up this apprehension and I'm frying your balls for breakfast.
And when you finally realize you're dead, and drop to the ground - ... and you're laying there, I'm going to step over your cold, lifeless body, open the doors of that department store you call a closet, and I torch it.
First one who touches it gets their fingers ripped off and stuffed up their nose.
The first chance, the very first chance I get, I'm tying your dick into a knot
Get out of my face, and get out of it now, or I'll take that badge you don't deserve and make you eat it.
And if you roll your eyes behind me again, I'm going to poke them out with a stick.
You boot on my desk, I'll throw your gagging body out my window.
[Eve]] to Delia Peabody after Peabody calls Eve and says "Dallas, guess who's here?":
Guess how long it's going to take me to tie your tongue into a square knot.
Well, he's a superior lay, so you'd have that before I peeled the skin off your still quivering body, roasted it on an open fire, then force-fed it to you.
I'll put a design on you that won't come off in the shower.
But keep jabbering, Peabody, and I'll give you a completely free piercing back at Central.
Eve to jet-board messenger who almost sideswiped her car:
Police property, asshole. If I had time I'd hunt you down and use that board to beat your balls black.
Now here's something I never thought would come out of my mouth - and if you ever repeat it, I'll twist your tongue into a square know, but thank God Summerset's around.
Put your hands, or your big goofy mouth on my partner in this room, McNab, I'll rip those stupid hoops out of your ears so bloody strips of lobe fly around the room.
Eve to Crime Scene Unit:
I want this scene secured so tight a fucking flea couldn't squeeze under a doorway. Any screwups, I'll be eating asses for breakfast.
You got candy breath, I'm going to pull out your tongue and strangle you with it.
Look maintenance boy, if you're toying with me, I'll bite your ears off and make them into stew.
If I knew who they were, I'd hunt them down and peel the skin off their bones while they begged for mercy.
Roarke's Creative ThreatsEdit
Roarke to chemi-head/thug
If I pop your eyes out, I get to eat them.
Do that again, and I'll rip it off at the knuckle and feed it to you.
Touch her, put your hand on what's mine again, and I'll follow you to hell and peel the skin from your bones. I'll feed you your own eyes.
If I have the opportunity, I'll take whoever put that look on your face, my darling Eve, and peel the skin from their bones. One thin layer at a time.
I'm compensating you,...by not getting up, coming over there, and twisting your head off your neck with my bare hands.
People tend to get cross when someone threatens to pull their brains out of their nostrals.
Peabody's Creative ThreatsEdit
Yeah, looks like you've got a pair each [eyes]...If you want to keep them in your skulls, you'll keep them on that scooter. Because if I come back out and it isn't where I left it, in the condition I left it, my associate and I are going to hunt you down like sick dogs. While he's shoving that pipe up your ass, I'm going to pop your fellow asshole's eyes out. With my thumbs.
I'll walk any way I want, and you just keep your hands off me, you moron, or I'll rip your lungs out and use them for bagpipes.
And rather than slap someone's face for relieving his bladder on your official tires, you are more likely to twist off said reliever's balls, then use them to strangle them.
Sick bastard creep ought to have his balls scooped off with a rusty spoon.
I hope his balls shrivel up like overbaked prunes then fall off in useless husks.
Other Character's Creative ThreatsEdit
I'd like to take his puny dick in my hands and twist it until it popped.
Judge oughta be stripped down, dragged through the streets, with a big sign that says BRAIN-DEAD FUCKFACE tied to his dick.
Get out, or I'll twist your arms off your shoulders and beat you to bloddy death with them.
I like to think of ways to kill people who irritate me. Throwing them off high buildings, boiling them in oil, locking them in a dark room with live snakes, that kind of thing.
Next time you try to stiff one of my em-ploy-ees, I'm gonna twist your cocks clean off before you get a chance to use 'em.
But if you tell me how to breathe one more time, I'll yank your tongue out of your mouth and strangle you with it.